As the mother of a seven year old girl (and a ten year old boy), I am having a very hard time coming to terms with the tragic recent events in Newtown, Connecticut. It doesn’t help that my daughter was going through a severe illness at the time and is finally on the other side of it. Seeing her so frail was putting thoughts into my head that I was trying to push away. Every time I sing her to sleep or hold her hand, or look in her sweet face I want to sob, and sometimes do, for those parents in Newtown. I know it will get better with time, and this too shall pass, but it is so difficult not to see their children in mine. It could have been mine, and that is the most horrifying reality for a parent. Thoughts of that day and what the children and others went through run through my mind and I can’t make it stop. I am having to remind myself that life does go on and I need to be present for my children. Even though the holiday spirit has been zapped from me, they are innocent and don’t realize what has happened. My son has an idea but doesn’t know details thank God, and doesn’t want to. I must make sure their lives goes on as they normally would. In some ways I need to be selfish and not let it affect me this much. I will not let it ruin our Christmas, when it has ruined that and the lives of so many people and families. My children are still here and I need relish in that and cherish them, in honor of those who are not. I am taking a break from blog posts until I feel enough time has passed for me to have my heart in it. Everything seems trivial to me now. If anything, good must come of what has happened to honor those who were lost. Personally it has made me look into my children’s faces with love at those times when they are misbehaving, being a little too loud or goofy, when previously I would have looked at them with annoyance or raised my voice. I can’t stop kissing and hugging them. I know they can sense something is up with Mommy. And I can tell they love the extra attention and affection emanating from me. I pray I can remember this feeling when time has passed and things have returned to normal – immense gratitude for their lives, infinite patience, and immeasurable absolute love for my children, whom I have been brutally reminded can be taken away in an instant. Not that I didn’t feel those sentiments before, but those feelings have been magnified times a thousand.
My prayers and wishes for healing to all who are suffering, and to all who are mourning whether directly affected or not..